Many asked me why I decided to wear the hijab (FINALLY, Alhamdulillah!). They asked,
"Is it because, you've moved to a location that is quite Islamic?"
"Did your husband force you?"
"Oh, I know, because everyone in Bangi wears it, right..?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why now?"
My answer would you usually be very short, "Because.... it's about time,"
HOW IT STARTED
I wasn't a hijabi for a long, long time, shamefully speaking. I was at one point, then I took it off, now I'm wearing for good, Insya Allah. May Allah gives me strength to continuously do so.
So, I understand, I totally do, if you haven't cross over yet. I was once in your shoes. I first put the hijab when I went to a religious school in my hometown, Seremban.I was thirteen. I wasn't forced, I did not feel that I was forced. It was a totally voluntary act. Of course it was the school's regulation, but I was happy to oblige.
Despite being okay with it, this other part of me that loves beauty, and fashion and style would somehow questioned my action.
"Did you do it because it was the school's regulation?"
"Are you really doing it for Allah?"
"Are you really ready?"
"Don't you want to still style your hair and wear those gorgeous outfits?"
I looked in magazines or went to the mall and saw gorgeous clothes and began to imagine myself in them. Then, I would remind myself that it's sinful and it's not right and I would question myself again, 'Are you really doing it for Allah?' 'Are you wearing Hijab for the right reason?'.
Well, I continued to wear and having this tug of war in myself for 5 years.
I wore the hijab when I was thirteen and took it off when I was eighteen. I just took it off. I wasn't really sure what happened, I just stepped out of my house that day with my hair uncovered. I said to myself that I want to be totally sure that when I put it on the next time, it wasn't because of anyone, anything or any other reasons other than God. Not the school regulations, not my parents, not my friends, not my siblings, not even my husband can make me if I'm not totally sure that I'm doing it for the right reason. One reason, and only one. Allah.
At times I was really, really over revealing. I'm pretty embarrassed looking back at some of the clothes I put on! See throughs, Bare backs, Sleeveless Spaghetti Straps, tubes, ultra tight body hugging, skirts with high slit, really, what was I thinking!
In that journey of arriving to that feeling of certainty and sincerity, the choice I made of taking the hijab off obviously wasn't the wisest decision. Looking back, I now realize that it had gotten me on a path of lost. I suppose there were people I would not have met (people I wasn't suppose to meet, anyway) if I had my hijab on. There were places, I wouldn't have gone (like the night clubs, etc) if my hijab was still intact. There were things, I would not have committed had I held strong to the command. I was lost and continuously to be on that path for quite a while. Fourteen years to be exact.
THE BLESSINGS I RECEIVED DESPITE OF...
Despite of all the sins I've committed, Allah still granted me with so many blessings in my life. I want a great husband who accepts me the way I am, and supports my dreams, Allah granted that. He flew Adam (my hubby) across the continent who proposed to me even without knowing how I looked like. I want to be a business woman. He granted that. I want to run and own a consultancy and language center, that's exactly what He gave me. Then, why oh, why couldn't I just do this simple command that He asked me? Why was it so difficult for me to just put a piece of cloth to cover my hair and my modesty?
Honestly, I really don't know the answer. I wasn't sure what's stopping me from doing so all these while. Maybe I have a subconscious fear that I would not look so nice, or maybe I was afraid that I would take it off again, or I given the sins I've committed, I wouldn't do the hijab justice, or I'm not good enough to wear it, in fact maybe I was afraid that I would tarnish the Muslimah brand and won't be able to represent it well.
Really, up till now, I still was't sure why? One thing I was sure back then is whatever happens, I always have Allah and somehow, some way He will always guide me and show me the way and I never once deny that covering yourself is a compulsory act commanded by Allah.I did not doubt that command nor question it. What I was questioning was my sincerity towards Him.
I wish I hadn't taken that long to put it back on. I wish I hadn't even take it off. I wish others would come to realization much sooner than I was. I wish, I could erase all those 14 years of sinning, I wish I had represented Islam better. I wish...
THE MORNING GOD SPOKE TO ME
It was a very routine morning. I went to the office, sat at the table and began going through my schedule and plan for the day. I had Tots' class that day at noon. A week before, I met a trainer and a coach who introduced to us the the real meaning and the success principles behind the Surah Al-Fatihah. His name is Fazrul Ismail. He introduced to us the C.A.S.I.C (Connect, Acknowledge, Serve, Inquire & Choices) concept in Al-Fatihah. His sharing with us triggered my curiosity to learn more about it.That's what I did that morning. Something in me somehow made me go to the book rack and pulled out the book 'Tafsir & Fadhilat Al-Fatihah' by Dr Fatma El Zahra. I had it for quite sometime but I never read it, not even flip through it until that fateful morning.
IHDINASSIRATAL MUSTAQIM-Guide Us on the Straight Path
It's funny how we pray every single time, 5 times a day and we ask God 17 times daily to guide us to the straight path. That's what struck me that morning when I reached that verse. I've asked God all those years through Al-Fatihah to guide me. The funny thing is He did, very, very patiently I believe (when it comes to me) but I chose to turn away from those guidance. I chose to take it off when I was eighteen. So every time recited the Al-Fatihah I was asking Him to guide me, yet when He guided me, I didn't follow, so I thought, how much longer do I want to go astray? The path of lost, the path of His anger!
That morning I read the translation and the Tafsir. Somehow, I felt God's love and mercy. I did not feel His anger. I felt as if He was speaking and addressing me directly. I felt so sad thinking how I neglected His command, how I've ill treated myself, how all the answers I've been looking for is in Al-Fatihah, how ignorant I was despite all the education I received, how small I was. I cried, and cried and cried and cried. I just couldn't stop. Verse 1-7, 17 Times. This is the SECRET. The real SECRET of life.
Then, it was time to get ready for the class. I went up to change my clothes. I said to myself, I'll wear the hijab tomorrow. I looked in the mirror for the last time before going down to the class. That was the point when the voice inside me said,
'You've asked God for the right path, He guided you today and bring you back, why do you still want to disobey?'
It's true, he awakened me that day from my long, dark sleep. This cannot wait till tomorrow, I told myself. I ruffled through some scarves that I already own but never put on. Found one that I liked and immediately wrapped it around my head. For the first time in a long..... time, I felt free. I felt light. I felt liberated, and I felt strong. I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off me. I felt peace.
THE FIRST DAY OF MY 'NEW' LOOK
That day I quickly took a photo of myself to mark the first day of my 'new' look and posted it on FB. My purpose for doing so was to declare to the world, so that I won't go back to my old way, so that I won't back off from my decision. The tremendous support I received was amazing, even from my non Muslim friends! I thank Allah everyday for that extraordinary ordinary morning. The morning He took the time to speak to me. The morning, he brought me back to Siratal mustaqim..
Alhamdulillah.
Till then, stay true to your Muslim Style & Brand!
KD Ismalasari
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